I have dreams.
I dream of getting married and settling down, buying a house and remodeling it to suit my lifestyle perfectly. In my dream, I have three kids and live in a rural area that is about three hours from a big city like Tokyo by car.
In time with my physical condition, I want to work as a freelance online English tutor as well as a translator. I also want to do blogging and video blogging to supplement my income. I would be more than just happy if I could earn as much as a regular office worker around my age.
An average income, middle-class family, decent work hours…
It may sound dramatic if I call it a “dream.”
Maybe I could wish for more, however, it feels like my chronic illness, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or ME/CFS, has been worsening for the past two years to the extent that I am house-bound with bad headaches, terrible sleep quality and sickly constitution. I used to be able to go out two to four times a month, but I have only been able to once a month at most this year. I cannot study English for the Eiken at all. 
I may only have been at the lowest point in terms of my physical condition, and it could improve year by year, but I have nothing but fear about my uncertain future.
In the past five months, I had two things that gave me an idea that might make my life easier.
Last month, I asked my old friend to cut off branches of the trees in my garden. One particular tree had grown so tall that it might contact with cables up around the house. I was worried sick on the days when the wind was strong. To my surprise, once he started cutting off the top of the tree, it was shortened within 30 minutes or so. 
Photo by Pinoko
He did it so easily as if he was scooping up a portion of jelly with a spoon. I would not have been able to finish it even if I had spent a whole day.
There was another thing.
In November last year, I went out to take photos with another friend. I told her prior to the meeting about my physical condition, then she let me decide where and when to meet up. In addition, she took the wheel and let me use her blanket while in the car, and that helped me save my energy great deal. 
I had thought that I would be happy if only I could have a meal with her, but I was feeling well enough to take photos at a riverbank largely due to her help.
I was really happy that I was able to do more than I had expected. It also gave me a hope that I might be able to do more than I think I could or even things that I think is impossible to do if only I got a little bit of help from the people around me.
I have not been able to put this idea into action, but I think it might work if I did the following:
・Specify what I want to do
If I had told my old friend that I wanted him just to clean the garden, I don’t think he would have known what to do. Instead, I asked him to cut the branches by one meter and tie up all the chopped branches into piles so that I could throw them away afterward.
This is true when I teach English as well. If my student asked me just to teach them English, I would not know exactly what to do, however, if they asked me for help with the differences of present perfect and past simple, I could give them many example sentences and also prepare concise yet thorough explanations.
・Decide if you can make it after you specify what you want to do
I have come to realize that it’s important to think hard how to make things happen after thinking of exactly what you want to do. If you start to think that you cannot do this or that based on your physical condition, you will never be able to do anything as long as you have ME/CFS. Once you are specific about your wish, you can focus on finding a way or someone who might help you to achieve your goal.
For instance, if you wanted to open an ESL school to revitalize local businesses, you would start with finding a place, teachers and students. If you could get many people involved, and some companies found your project profitable as you go, there might be a chance to get a sponsor as well.
Just as the example above, having a specific goal can narrow your focus and you can just try to do what you need to, and that I think will lead you to where you want to be or even beyond that.
I don’t know exactly what I want to do to make my dreams come true at the moment, so I need to think of my specific goals first.
・Be grateful for help you have received and return the favor as much as possible
You can never take any help for granted. Besides, I would be really sorry if I couldn’t repay for the help I have been given.
I can be somewhat helpful to others with the English language, and I actually have helped the old friend I mentioned above with English a couple of times before.
However, it is often the case that I get so ill that I cannot even text, so I tend to go around in circles: “I cannot ask for something when I can do nothing in return”, which leads to the conclusion that “I cannot ask for anything after all.”
Besides, chronic illness patients are prone to ask for help more than healthy people do on a daily basis, so I always wonder how often or how much I can rely on people.
I have been told millions of times that I was “spoiled” or “lazy” or “you can’t always ask for help” by many people before, and that makes me hesitate even when I’m in need.
I still don’t know how to deal with this.
For my future…
I turned 34 years old this year, which means I’m in my mid-30s already. My father is in his mid-60s and my mother is round 60. We are growing older and older.
My life will never be the same as it was before, nor will it be my ideal version of life. I am extremely fearful that I am getting weaker and I have fewer and fewer things that I can do each day.
I really want to be able to verbalize my goals. Of course, I will do whatever I can do by myself, but also I want to become a person who can turn to someone for help when it is possible.
I would like to become able to live like that.
Another dream
I have one more dream. It is to get a Toyota 86 [kouki] on BBS 18-inch aluminum wheels and Tein’s height adjustable suspensions one day. I am looking forward to such a day to come after I have achieved the goals I mentioned above.
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What is ME/CFS? This manga will answer that question>>【Do you know what CFS is?】by Yurari ～ME/CFS easily explained in this comic’s English version～{#1}
