“Why are you so motivated to study English?”
A friend asked me this question once.
I think I replied with something like, “That’s because I enjoy speaking English and love the feeling of my world expanding.”
Even as I said it, however, I felt like it wasn’t really the true answer.
I like English for sure, but why would I push myself to the point of being worn out, especially with a chronic illness? What would drive me that far?
A few years passed, I finally got the answer.
It turned out that I wanted to achieve something my father couldn’t and earn his approval.
My father always compares me to others based on education, takes anything that I do for him for granted, and treats me like a burden. Feeling bad about myself, I was driven by this strong urge to receive certifications, to prove that I was trying hard and deserved his approval.
No matter how bad my headaches were, or how sick my stomach was, I never missed a day of studying English even when I couldn’t get out of bed from sheer exhaustion.
It took a long time, but in the end, I passed the EIKEN Grade 1, got a TOEIC score of 900, and TESOL certificate.
Did it change my relationship with my father? …No, not in the slightest. Like any human relationship, compatibility plays a huge role, even between a father and his child. He probably will never acknowledge me.
That being said, I’m truly glad that I put the negative energy into studying English.
Thanks to certifications like the EIKEN Grade 1, and the people I met through learning English, my self-esteem has risen in ways I could never have imagined before.
After decades of struggle, I’m finally starting to have days when I feel that it’s okay to be myself.
This article is a translation of “「どうして英語の勉強をそんなに頑張れるの？」の答え.” I translated it with a little help from a chatbot.
