I started working as an online English teacher when I was 28 in 2013.
In spite of the fact that I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which makes any job difficult, my first days as a teacher were very enjoyable and went very well.
However, I had a persistent sense of fear and guilt every time I had lessons with junior high and high school students.
In this post, I’m going to talk about what made my heart feel that way and the event that helped me become aware of such negative emotions.
I love my job, but…
At 26, I realized that I love teaching when a friend of mine asked me to teach her English.
I am a somewhat impatient person so I highly doubted that I could teach anyone.
Once I started teaching, however, I was surprised how interesting it was to share things that I know. What was more, I loved the fact that my knowledge could be of help to someone.
I later found out that I love not only having lessons but also making lesson materials. My job is truly fulfilling.
▲I make ESL cards for my lessons since I love creating things.
About six months into teaching, I began to feel a sense of guilt during lessons with students in their teens.
My junior high and high school students showed me a genuine, broad smile when they did a great job in their translation and pronunciation practice. That’s when I felt really happy for them, but at the same time I found myself asking :
“I am wasting their precious time. Am I okay with that?”
“Aren’t they better off taking lessons with other teachers rather than me?”
When I was in junior high school, teachers repeatedly told me that I’m “lazy”, “useless” and a “slacker” and those words still hurt me even though 20 years has passed since then.
Since I knew more than anyone how greatly adults can affect junior high and high school students through first-hand experience, I was horribly afraid that I might hurt my students badly if I said anything careless.
In addition, I always thought “I don’t deserve to share their precious time because I’m useless.”
A rational part of me, of course, knew that it was untrue and my students enjoyed my lessons because they didn’t even have to take my class unless they wanted to in the first place.
But I just couldn’t help it because I didn’t even know what was going on in my mind back then.
My heart was always fuzzy no matter how hard I worked and how many times my students beamed happily at me.
It was a comic book that made me notice the existence of the mysterious negative feelings. The comic book that my friend lent me is called Omoide-Konpeitou.
In volume one, the protagonist’s brother says “Your future self is rooting for you behind the finish line. Hang in there. If you can get through your toughest times, you will be the best friend of your future self.”
The moment I read that line, something snapped in me before tears welled up and started rolling down my cheeks. In the next moment, painful memories were rushing to my mind.
The worst days of my life played back in my head: it was me being labeled as lazy in junior high school, unable to graduate from high school forever due to ME, and struggling to become a translator or ESL teacher for two years.
No matter what anybody said, I never gave up.
No matter how bad ME was, I kept studying.
I stashed disturbing memories away and focused on what I needed to do for the future.
It suddenly occurred to me that all the things that I did in the hardest times have helped me become who I am now.
I finally came to admit that I’m not lazy or worthless; it’s actually quite the opposite and I had worked harder than anybody else could.
You really did a great job for decades.
You can admit that you are a hard-worker.
You no longer have to blame yourself.
I felt this way wholeheartedly.
And now…
It has been almost two years since I cried over the girls’ comic book. Now I enjoy working with my students confidently, watching them improve their English and growing as a teacher.
I never thought that I would choose to be a teacher out of all professions and work with junior high and high school students. Life is interesting. (Most of my students are junior high and high schoolers for some reason.)
As I am writing this post, I am beginning to think that the traumatizing experiences in junior high were not the only reasons that I had to feel guilt and fear.
There must be awful memories I still cannot remember from junior high school, so I may relive such moments in the years to come.
When another bad memory comes to mind, I’ll just try to deal with it, anyway.
Related Posts
The original Japanese post>>中高生とのレッスン時に感じていた【謎の恐怖・罪悪感】について語ります
Studying in junior high with ME was extremely challenging>>My Struggle with ME/CFS in Junior High & High School
Read more articles in English>>HERE
